My Happy Place

This post was first published on my main blog: franalibi.

There was one time in my life where I didn't have to worry about anything. All it was about was whether I got a question right in my homework, or deciding which walk to school badge I would wear in the morning for the the day ahead. My eyes are closed and I'm trying to block out the static noise of life around me. And then out of my window I hear the quick repetitive calls of seagulls and I'm suddenly on the beach. I'm sitting right by the shore and I feel content.

The sound of waves rolling in and out by my feet lulls me into an undeniable sweet calm that's miles away from the rush of city life. Looking out to sea there seems a metaphorical infinite distance between me and where I want to be in life. But for now I'm happy in a place where time seems to have stopped still with seagulls continuously swooping above my head, and treading along the beach quickly and soundlessly ready to take chips off the next unknowing victim.

I wish I could live in Brighton. Whenever I go there it takes me to a place of happiness, treasuring the sweet taste of a 99 with the 7 year old me from long ago. Oblivious to the years ahead. My dream is to move there, buy a beach hut, rent a flat and get a job in the lanes while continuing my passion for photography. I live for the salty smell of the sea, the pain of bare feet walking along the pebbled beach that makes you realise how alive and in the now you are, the scoops of ice cream in a tub with the cute flimsy plastic spoon and the adventure through the lanes with rainbow bunting.

Don't get me wrong, I love where I live and what I have, but being by the sea helps me to be content. If you want to join me, I'll be on the pier eating ice cream and looking at the sea shells at the stalls.

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Coffee In Waiting

I feel like I'm drowning in the constant fear of going nowhere. It's getting problematic and I can't just lie back and let myself float in calmness and surround myself with the feeling of peace. I should probably take up the mindfulness app again.

My friend asked me once "What are you doing now?" Everyone is at uni, or has something to occupy their time. I have nothing. I keep searching then being pushed back and I'm fed up with it. I have nothing to say except, "Well, I did have this job..." And knowing deep inside that it won't sustain me long enough to feel like I've achieved something in my life.

But it's so hard trying to move forward, like I'm playing a game of stuck in the mud with my future, and the only way I can get free is if an opportunity comes along and frees me. Friends and family are constantly trying to support me, I'm grateful, but they're too far ahead on the path, and I'm still waiting for someone on my team to free me.

I suppose you could compare it a coffee brewing. There has to be a positive to that really, because you have to be patient. You've grounded the coffee, put it in the brew and you have to wait until it's ready. That's probably my future, and I have to be patient in myself and what's to come. But in reality I'm just bored out of my head.

Can someone just free me and pour the coffee please?

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